I have been struggling. I am going to be completely honest when I tell you that I have been struggling for quite a long time. I have been struggling to adapt and adjust to new things. I have been struggling to find joy and comfort in the simple things that God brings into my life. I have been struggling to be still. Even at this moment, I am struggling to find the right words to speak, and I am praying that all of this will make sense in the end. But mostly, I am struggling with the fact that I have been living in a state of discontent.
This thought has been stirring around in my mind for a few weeks now, and it makes me uncomfortable to recognize that this fact is true. It even makes me sick. I am incredibly discontent with how my life is, which quite honestly is disgusting. The only reason why I am so unhappy, and even depressed is because I had a picture in my mind of how I thought my life should be. I was comfortable and I had no idea that so many things would be taken away from me, especially since those things were taken one after the other.
What is even worse about this is that the reason why I feel as though my entire world was thrown upside-down is because I was not firmly grounded in the word, and I wasn't putting God first in my life. I had idols that were sitting on the throne of my heart, and it was time that they were to be "debunked," and in order for that to happen, they had to be taken away. Even though they were taken in some way, they are still a big part of my life. They just aren't necessarily actively in it.
Another reason why I am so discontent is because of my stress. I am a high stress person, and all because I have the inability to say no, and because I allow the things in my life to overwhelm me. There have been a multitude of times where I end up crawling into a ball in the corner of my room and sob endlessly because I have no idea what to do. I imagine what it would be like if I didn't have a bunch of responsibilities I got myself into, which I quite frankly, don't even care about. I was longing to curl up and read, whether it be a good book, or the Bible, or even just sit in my room binge watching "Gilmore Girls." All I wanted was to have no worries, and to relax. I was feeling this way today during school, I asked one of my acquaintances if she ever felt this way, where she just had the urge to cry because she might be extremely stressed and emotional. I regretted asking her that question, because in return I got a weird look and an awkward laugh.
But I am so tired of living this way. I loathe constantly being discontent and stressed. Life is a work in progress. Things happen, and you learn and grow. You just have to allow these things to shape you. I constantly have to keep reminding myself that this is how it is supposed to be. This is exactly where God has me for a reason, this is his plan for me and all I need to do is trust him and lay myself down. I have been learning to be content, I still struggle with it, but I pray that I will be content every single day. With my life at home, at church and at school. With my relationship with Jess and my friends, and life in general. I pray that I will lay my relationships and my worries and stress down, and that I will learn how to simplify my life, because once I am able to do that I will truly be able to worship and love Jesus. You can't do that fully when stress and discontent stand in your way.
I find comfort with the fact that God knows exactly what he is doing. Who am I to question him? If this is how things were meant to be, then so be it. All I need to do is be still, embrace change, and allow him to work in me, so that he is able to use me. This is a lot easier said than done, but it is definitely possible, I just need to run after him.
~Philippians 4:11-13 "...for I have learned that in every situation, I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, and abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
~Daniel 3:17-18 "And if not, he is still good."
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